On the road, somewhere in texas. 5:33 am. 10/17/89
I am not a Ryan. Ryan was just some bullshit name my parents pullled out of
a $3.99 baby name book they bough in the checkoutline at Big D. I am really
a Malachi. It is the only name that holds any meaning for me. My mother named
me after the final book in the Old Testament. It was the Old Testament that
her father used to spew, in a hail of fire and brimestone that covered his family
in ash and fear. The rantings of an angry God impressed on my mother at an early
age
a sense of guilty morality that sticks with her to this day. Maybe my name is
part of why I hate Chrisitianity with such passion. But it never struck me as
a truely christian name. It always seemed so dark. Its antiquated, and I suppose
I am too. I should have been born in the Victorian Era, when everything was
gothic and dipped in pain. Most Old testament
names now carry a distinct gothic flavour. Nehemiah, Ezekiel, Obahdiah, Micah....
I traveled with dirty gothic runaways with those names. In great masses of clove
smoke, ripped fishnet, bloodstained kisses, and great smears of eyeliner, the
Zephaniahs and Haggais of the modern world come. They flow together in goth
clubs, these children with the Hewbrew names. They are as Prophets, spewing
out heresey against the God who the Nahums and Zechariahs used to worship. To
me it a name for heathens. I am no Angel of God. If I am to be God's angel,
then let me be mighty Lucifer, fallen
from grace. Isiah 14:12-14 "How you are fallen from heaven, O Lucifer,
son of the morning! How you are cut down to the ground, You who weakened the
nations! For you have said in your heart: I will ascend into heaven, I will
exalt my throne above the stars of God; I will also sit on the mount of the
congregation on the farthest side of the north; I will ascend above the heights
of the clouds, I will be like the Most High." See mom, I can be a christian
too. Jasper and
Finch tell me I'm their Angel, because I protect us all. I am fallen, fallen
from Grace. I have fallen so far I am no longer even Malachi. I am just Nameless,
alone and wandering. I have no home, no family, no anything but what I can carry.
I am as Lucifer, condemned to eternal solitude. I have read Milton. I know damnation
by the smell of brimstone and Big Mac grease. Do you see me God, fishing half
rotten McDonald's burgers from a dumpster to feed the small cluster of friends
I have, friends who will soon be torn away by the stiff arm of the law and returned
to their delighted families. No one is looking for me. I don't have to worry
about the Cops, at least, not to take me home. God has stripped everything from
me, even my blessed name. that was Adam's true power, that of naming. that was
god's gift to humanity. And I am
without my God given name. I want to go home, but I have no home to go to. I
am and always will be alone.
Nameless
Copyright Me 2001