Mood
It is really the most bitter thing to know the most perfect thing you have ever found in your life is slipping inexorably through your fingers and there is nothing you can do about it. I have lost my capacity for everything; writing, loving, creation, perfection, and thought. God, I need you to know how I feel about you, but I need to know how I feel about you first. I wish I could sing in a pretty voice, or scream my rage to the stars, or do anything but sit here, impotent, frustrated, and crying before those who I do not know or trust. There is no one I can trust, no one I can talk to. Sometime I wish I could be strong like you, it doesn't matter. Each time I wake I'm somehow seeing the truth I can't handle, the fact that maybe you are not the One. But I can't go through this again; this idiot quest for a true love that can't exist on a hellish shithole like this place but somehow does or did and NOW I FUCKING WANT IT BACK AND I CAN'T HAVE IT AND I DON"T UNDERSTAND WHY! So lets get this motherfucking party started, with the blood and the sweat and the fucking tears of God running down my goddamn arm again like my WHOLE FUCKING LIFE. My goddamn, cursed, frustrated life that has to end and hasn't. And goddamn it, I don't want this to be over. I don't want to have to learn to live again. I cannot rebuild that child. Shit, I've lost her, chocked her, beat her to death already. So many lies I have built my life with are now unraveling. It's easier not to be wise, to measure these things by others standards. Ignorance is bliss. I have sunk into Eden with you, my eyes closed, feeling only the most pure of things. Thoughts made physical and a translation of mind to body to soul and back. I am always alone, yet I am not. It is easier not to be great, just alone. It is easier to be funny than strong, to lead than to know where you are going. I am falling backwards into the pit that is myself. I am transcendental with you. I am song, sight, sweet smells; any fucking thing I want to be. But that is a lie. With you I am honest in my dishonesty. I have to face the monster that I am, the monster that no one knows I am. Even you. I don't want you to see it, yet you unleash the worst in me. A beast I am, lest a beast I become. GODDAMN IT! I cannot express because every word is someone else's, and therefore a lie. So many lies. Is love a lie? Darlin'. My little Mansonite grew up into a self-made monster. Are you trying to follow in my footsteps? Please don't. Please, you don't want to be like me. You think I am so pure and I am not. Harken back to earlier days, my love, when I could truly write. Goddamn it baby. I'll just shut my eyes and see you in hell. It's awfully cold there. Dead end song, for a dead end girlfriend. Die, die, die my darlin'. Funny, huh? I hope this will be fatally misinterpreted, because it would fit in with the rest of my life. Perhaps I am fatalistic. But I don't care. I fucking am, and fucking Descartes would be proud. I am Asuria, I am the Unmakers, I am the wyrm, entropy, unbridled change and growing chaos sliding forward into hell. Yum. Music soothes the savage beasts, as well as primes him for war, or sex, or dying. Everything is always dying. Even sex is death. Life is death is life is death is life is death is life. God is dead and no one cares. I wonder if that applies. I thought you were a god once, or an angel, or some such that would no doubt offend you. baby, I need you. I don't know what to think. There is no sun and never will be. Everything is dark and dreary and ooh so spooky gothic. People wonder why I'm so fucking angsty and pessimistic, Its because there is nothing to hope for because eventually every hope goes awry. Every dream dries up, every quicksand castle melts at the mortar. Mortality is transcendental and binding all at once. We cannot make any sort of lasting achievement. We are too young, too brash, too willful, too melodramatic, too different. Oh baby, baby mine, I need you. I don't know what this is. Words to fill the time. Quitting is just a time between fixes.
Copyright Me 2001